How an LDR is keeping me motivated yet devastated

22nd May 2019

Now hear my out - the title sure is a bit off, isn't it? Let me explain:
I'm definately an insecure soul, and in my history of dating I always looked for personality over looks. And therefore never dated someone I found to be physically attractive, but always kind-hearted (exept for a few hiccups) men. I typically went for the nerdy-guy stereotype, the cute and quiet, calm and mature.

Essentially, what I did was date different people but by the end of the day, the same type of person. And that's one of the reasons I believe I'd always flee the relationship after a while, only to move on to the next, yet same person.

Putting that aside, when I first stared chatting and getting to know Kyle he seemed super sweet yet very different from the guys I usually hang out with. I have a couple of guy friends and Kyle and I were nothing more than friends too in the beginning, seeing as I was in a relationship at the time.
However, I wasn't being fulfilled in said relationship, as I mentioned before I'd essentially date the same kind of guy over and over, this being no exeption. Before I met Kyle, I discussed travelling alone with my then-boyfriend, because I had only done so once in my life (although I was helped all the way through so it hardly counts). I just needed a place and the time off school to do so, and England was on my mind because he and I had already been to London and for obvious reasons there wouldn't be a language barrier for me to combat. When I got to know Kyle it seemed fun to meet my friend online if the chance came, just like I've met my online friend Matthew from America, when I went there. I love it!

However, shortly after I couldn't be in my relationship anymore. All that kept me was the security, and that felt wrong all the way through my heart.

I didn't love him like a lover, I loved him like a friend, and he didn't deserve that. We were very platonic and I didn't want to marry someone I essentially just saw more as a friend. Because he truly deserves so much more than that

(and he has gotten that, and I am so happy for them!).
Some time after I travelled alone to England, London. However it was to meet Kyle for certain. And that's now almost 6 months ago - time has flewn.

Why did I tell you all of this? Because this has to do with the type of person Kyle is - which is so very far away from everything all the other guys were.

He's several of the things I even said, I'd never date. And yet, here I am. I dated men usually older than me - he's younger. I dated men that were shy, calm and quiet - he's outgoing, occasionally loud and adventoures. I dated heavily pacific guys - Kyle would protect me with his life if need be. I dated guys for their minds, not their looks. And that, I still do. However: Here comes the kicker! I actually find my current boyfriend attractive. For the first time in my life. I think he's stunning, I think he's handsome. I look at him and just... admire him. And that is a big motivator for myself. I'm obviously quite overweight and before I met Kyle I suffered very badly from hormonal acne. It made me feel so bad, because he was fit, had nice clean skin, you get it. He seemed essentially flawless (he's not!).

I felt insignificant to him, because I felt like he looked far better than me, and therefore could have other girls that too, looked far better than I do. It helped me do the push towards clearing up my skin with the help of medics and getting healthier and losing weight. Ever since being with him I've lost more than 5kg, and it may seem like nothing. But to someone who took 3 years of being the same weight, and a year to loose 10kg, it's quite some.

He become my motivation to become a prettier, healthier, better version of myself, and his person forced me to look at my own personal flaws and work on those: work on my communcation, work on me being a tad bit too spoilt and working on my grattitude. And I still work on all of it now!

However it also devasts me. Here's why: Not only did he motivate me to be a better me, but he also showed me England, Manchester og Cheshire specifically, and when I fell in love with him, so did I with those areas. There were everything Denmark didn't have, and what I specificly didn't have here. Meaning that ever time I visit Manchester, I have this lovely feeling of 'going home' to me. They say that home isn't a house but two eyes and a heartbeat, and I agree. I'm overjoyed with almost everything in Manchester, especially in comparison to my life in Denmark, as a two-job, full-time-struggeling student in a shitty, expensive apartment waiting for nothing but to be able to finally leave school for good. I don't like our language (however, do love our songs!), don't like major parts in our people and culture, I simply don't like what Denmark has to offer for me. And so, instead of complaining and being down about it, I'd rather quit it and leave to a place that does have everything I want.
What leaves me devasted is leaving. Leaving him, leaving Manchester, leaving England, stepping onto the plane knowing that I'm going back to all the things that weight heavy in my heart. All the personal problems and inconvieniences. The pain of that stings. And that's why I cannot do a long distance relationship. I just want a relationship my the one I love - and summer cannot come soon enough.